I’ve been on a pretty upswing as of late. My medications are working good, but I may be changing to a new set because they are only addressing one set of issues. Yesterday there was a conversation being had in the office concerning child abuse. One of the individuals mentioned that she had received an apology from her father for all the things that he had done to her and that was all that anyone needed. Fuck you bitch. Not everyone gets closure or absolution. Also, it reminded me that I’m still being abused by my mother, maybe not physically, but mentally, which is sometimes just as detrimental, if not worse.
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The year is drawing to a close and I can’t help but breathe a sigh of relief. This year has been one of the most difficult years I have ever faced and yet I survived. I think this year was spent just being in survival mode. With all of the downs though, there were some amazing highs and I think that is the lesson I am learning this year. Even though things are bad, they will be good and vice versa. This year has been teaching me to let go and to some things I have, and others I haven’t, but I’m working on it. Conversely this year is teaching me that sometimes people have to let you go and that is ok as well. Sometimes people outgrow each other and it’s not bad or good, it just is. I cried a lot this year but I also laughed a lot. For all of those moments I am thankful.
I’m also thankful that I let myself have a goofy, high schoolesque crush on someone and while I may not be kissing him for New Years, I am not giving up hope. I also reconnected with a dear friend from high school and it is one of the greatest feelings to know that I can go eleven years without seeing someone and it feels like only seconds. I have also found that some people I just don’t know who they are anymore. I’ve always prided myself on speaking my truth and if it is a truth that you disagree with, I understand and wish you the best of luck. I can only say how I feel and stand by my convictions. And that is all I will say about that anymore.
I have the most amazing network of people in my life. I don’t have a relationship with my biological family, and while that may sting at times, the friends, mentors, and guides I have in my life make it better.
This year has been one where I have had to stop running from things and in stopping I have realized a few things: I am no longer afraid to admit that I do have mental health issues. It takes a lot for me to say so, but I have come to understand that by talking about it, I can help others come to terms with their own issues. (This was brought about by one of the most amazing conversations I have ever had with an individual and this person is one of the strongest human beings I have ever met and I respect them so much. Thank you for being in my life.) I am no longer blaming myself for things that were done to me, I am accepting them and finding strength in surviving.
To all that have touched my life this year, thank you. I have met some amazing individuals who inspire me to do better. To all that have been constant companions, I say, bless you. I can be a handful at times, so thank you for being there. To those I have hurt, I apologize. I can only do what I think is best and try not to be a malicious person. To those who are no longer a part of my life I wish you the very best.
So to a new year and a new start let us look forward to. I love you all so very much.
Namaste,
Frankie aka Von Frankleton, aka Franklet, aka Bitchbutt.
+per incendium ut astrum+
I received an email today from one of my favorite artists, Pilar Diaz, (you can check her out here): Pilar Diaz-Tu y Yo and it got me thinking. She was open and honest about her depression and found her strength in being open. In that vein, I am going to do the same. I suffer from depression. Not the, “Oh, things are crappy right now and I’m a little blue right now” depression, but more of the “I am in a dark, dark hole and I don’t know how to get out. I want to hurt myself” kind of depression. I mention the hurting myself part, because another confession, I have been a self-harmer since I was, well, for as long as I can really remember.
I have a long history of hurting myself. I have burnt myself, hit myself, but the two most common forms of self-harm have been cutting and hair pulling. When I get into a really bad place I pull my hair out. I will sit and pull out pieces of my hair and sometimes not even realize I am doing it. Cutting has always been a much more conscious effort. I most will cut myself on my legs because it is easier to hide. When cutting I often rationalize that little cuts are ok because they heal quickly and no one will see. I hadn’t cut myself in five years until two weeks ago. I had a pretty bad manic episode two weeks ago and ended up cutting myself. At first their was the kick of pleasure, but after that, the amount of shame that came was intense.
Alongside this, I have also been dealing with pretty intense thoughts of suicide. I’ve had suicidal thoughts for years now and they ebb and flow, but this past year it has been pretty bad. Two weeks ago I realized that I needed help and asked for it. I am blessed with working for an amazing woman who will listen and give help and that is exactly what she did. I’m back in therapy again and I think this time it’s going to be different, because I feel different. I was in bed last night and I thought to myself, “Frankie, this isn’t healthy. This isn’t ok. You’re not ok.” which is something I have never thought before. I always just accepted that depression and suicidal thoughts were part of my life, because that’s just the way it has always been. I realize now that it’s not ok. I don’t have to feel this way. I will have bad days and I will have good days, but I am trying to find the peace in understanding and accepting this.
I think this may be the most honest I have been about the inner parts of myself ever. I’m ready to do the work that is needed to get myself back to where I used to be. The man that was ambitious and loving, kind and curious, the man I that I am proud of. I may have veered off the path, but I’m getting back to where I need to be. Thank you all for being there.
Namaste,
F.
I’m in a rut. I have stuck myself in a corner, and I am trying to figure a way out. All I really want is my happy back. I miss the person who was brave and courageous and took risks. This person now, he’s a sham. He acts likes me, but it isn’t me. I’m going to reconnect with who I used to be and I will be in a much better place. It may not be today, but it will happen.
Namaste,
F.
Life is daft. I am going through what is possibly one of the hardest periods of my life right now, yet, yet, I find these sparks that make it all better. Seriously though, things are not good. But then they really are. It’s all wackiness.
I am going to Seattle in one week and I am super excited for numerous reasons. First and foremost, I will get to see Jeni again. Her and I have a bond that 11 years didn’t interrupt. It’ll be awesome. We’re going to go see Dina Martina. I am sooooo beyond excited to watch this madness. Second, I am going to meet up with another person, Cody. Who knows what will happen with that? In high school I dreamed of going to Seattle, so it’ll be nice to knock it off my list.
So…I have a romantic interest. Well, one that is a mutual interest, and another that I don’t know. I have to admit that Fella B (the new one) doesn’t make my heart quicken the way Fella A (the other one) does. Fella A isn’t as responsive, but I feel a connection there. I am going to trust my intuition on this one and keep my eye on A. Also, I consulted the I Ching (which I do about nearly everything) and it advised me to keep my course. Haha, how funny. I have “boy issues.” Shit is getting exciting!
Speaking of the I Ching, I find it a powerful tool. It is helping me through this period. I try to consult it often because it does not “predict” the future, just offers advice on what the outcome could be. I find it a helpful tool and it can be when used correctly.
I feel it is appropriate to mention briefly what I mean by saying “one of my toughest periods.” I have been coming to terms with a lot of things that I have buried away for years. I haven’t spoken with my mother in a really long time (1.5 years) because there are some things I need to work through before I can have a relationship for her. I need to learn how to forgive her for a lot of things that she did and let happen. My mother was never a well woman. The abuse that she put us through has shaped my life in ways I can’t even explain because I don’t fully understand the extent of all of it. She was abusive in so many ways and what is even harder to accept is that she let others abuse me. One day I will be free of this and may be able to build a relationship with her, but that day is not today. It’s ok, because I have survived and will work through it all. I need to make sure though that I am not blaming her for all my problems because I am in charge of my own destiny. What I am realizing is that I am trying to not blame these situations, but rather, I accept that I have not dealt with them properly and I am learning how to do so now. I was always told that I was worth nothing and I believed it for the longest time. I am learning how to refute this and believe in myself, but boy is it hard. Like I have said though, I am learning how to work through all of this and am so thankful that I have a network of friends that help support me by even just being there. Thank you.
Namaste,
F.
As my birthday gets closer, I have all these thoughts about my future, my goals, all these things swimming in my head. It’s a confusing time but also extremely gratifying. I am realizing though that I am getting to a point where I am ready to not be a big party boy anymore. I don’t want to go out and spend über amounts of money on booze every weekend anymore. I don’t mind being the occasional hot mess, but every weekend? Quelle gauche! I don’t want to worry about looking at my phone/facebook/twitter and cringing and deleting posts. I am pretty much decided that I am going to be in Albuquerque for a few more years because I have an amazing job and an amazing opportunity.
I am privileged to be able to be a part of an organization that is so fresh and brand new. I am helping to build a part of history for the state. It’s kind of ridiculous and amazing at the same time. There are so many things that I am becoming a part of that I am essentially creating my personal brand. I am a Brand. Tyler Durden would be so proud.
What does it mean to be a brand? It means that people see everything you do. I have a reputation for being a bit of a rapscallion and a lush and I feel as if that was fine for my 20s but I don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t want to be carting around this horse and pony show looking like death. I can’t handle a hangover like I used to. It used to be that I could drink like Jocelyn Wildenstein every night and be fine. Now I even step one toe over the line and I am recovering like Norma Desmond. I miss being able to be up early in the morning and appreciating the full day. I miss my weekends. When I go out, I hand out my card and network. My fear is that I am going to be that louche that everyone sniggers about behind their back.
Does this mean I am going to be completely abstemious? Of course not. I enjoy alcohol. Like, really enjoy it. I will always drink and will occasionally overindulge but I am going to learn that fine balance, even if it means alienating some people. I know a lot of people from various gin joints but now it’s a whole new area. It’s the age of the Frankledult. (Well…as growny uppy as I can be, I mean let’s be real, I have a child’s heart and I think it can be one of my greatest traits) so farewell to the random moments like getting into strangers cars. It’s been real. Or at least realish.
So I have been super mega ultra obsessed with dating lately. (Truth be told, I get pretty obsessive about things/ideas, but that is a whole other bottle of gin.) Today as I was picking up my house, I thought to myself: Do I actually want to date, or do I just want to ensure I have a date for my 30th birthday party?
See, I am planning this pretty insane party because I am excited to turn 30 years old. I have been figuring things out and I love myself so much more than I ever did before. I want to share my happiness with the world. I have begun to understand that perfection is an illusion, and a pretty detrimental one at that. So I am planning a “Quinceñera…x2.” I’m dubbing it so not only because I am turning 30, but also because I feel like I am finally coming into my own.
So I have been so preoccupied with having a date for this that i am stopping to forget that maybe I don’t actually want to date. Perhaps I am trying to just save face and not have to rely on a friend for the “chambalan” duties. I often go to events like this alone or with a friend because, well, because I am a shit dater. I have no clue how to actually date. I have more often than not fallen into a “relationship” with people that I meet. Often these situations meet their demise early because I want to classify things and they don’t which drives me bonkers.
I am a big believer in the notion that you attract what you put out and I have had to come to grips with the fact that for the majority of my 20s I never really wanted to be in a relationship. I have for the most part felt I was not worth a relationship because of a myriad reasons. Mainly though, I have felt that I was not good enough and that no one would want me. So I slept my way through my 20s (and believe me I plowed through bed partners like I was Mr. Plow) and now that I am ending my 20s, I want to be in a relationship.I want to have silly bed talk with someone who gets me. I know that I am not this monstrous creature that I was led to believe I am. I have people that genuinely love me. People who aren’t blood, so they are not required to do so, yet they still do. So that discredits that whole notion. So why am I not more proactive at dating?
Well, I am a chickenshit. I can protest, and speak to hundreds of people and make a scene, but when it comes to the intimate things, yeesh. Because being in a relationship means letting your guard down, and that is something that I don’t really know how to do…but I am getting better at it.
So to recap: Do I want to date someone or do I just want an escort for my birthday? I want to date. I want to be scared shitless with someone and I want to be embarrassed and all of those wonderful things. So there it is: my admission to the world. I am still afraid of dating and being open with people, but fuck it, I am ready to face that fear.
Namaste,
F.
Life can be daft. Like really, really insane. Or maybe I’m just insane. I mean, we all know I’m crazy, but sometimes I feel insane. This past week, rather the past two months have felt wonky. I feel like I am getting everywhere and nowhere at the same time. I think it’s because I have not really had a “direction” for a while. I am turning grown-up age and don’t have my shit together. Eek. What the fuck am I going to do with my life? Well, I have an idea now.
When I first came out it was like sneezing. It happened, some people said “whoah” and that was that. I had the easiest time with my gayness and that made it hard for me to understand people being in the closet and being persecuted. This led me to be rather disassociated with the Gay community because I never felt like them. Not to mean I was some super hetero guy. I never have been. I had big blond hair, wore eyeliner, fishnets, lipstick, the whole nine yards. I spent high school looking like an 80s video vixen, a leftover from CBGB’s and Burroughs. My “gayness” has never been a question. In fact, my over the top antics were what attracted a lot of guys in high school. I slept with a ton of guys in high school who would never admit it. And that’s ok. I don’t need them to. It doesn’t bother me to be honest.In fact, it amuses me. I digress though. Being gay has always been a big part of my identity but not necessarily a defining factor.
Lately though, all that has changed. I started working at the UNM LGBTQ Resource Center because I needed to intern somewhere and I wanted to challenge myself. Also, they were starting brand new and I thought it would be fun to help a Center get on its feet. I have been essentially an event planner for the past three years, and I am rather good at it. In fact, I have presented at conferences nationally on it, so I know what I’m doing. But back to the Center. I wasn’t exactly comfortable there at first. The guys who worked there did not make me feel comfortable and to be honest, I felt like I was just some oddity that answered phones and did other stuff. However, my Director saw what I could do and I pulled off some major events. Once the guys left, I got to do what I do best and haven’t stopped since.
Now I am in love with the Center. I really am. I want to help build it up to be a powerhouse in academia and it can be. I am starting to slowly see that I can potentially be there for at least the next two to three years which is unsettling because that means that I will not be leaving Albuquerque for a while. I love New Mexico, but I don’t want to stay here forever. I want to move and be in a new city and do wonderful things elsewhere and that has been my plan for the longest time. I thought I was always going to move away and I never did because things got in my way. Which brings me back to the Center: Am I staying because I am comfortable or passionate? Or both?
I’ve been homeless a lot in my life. I’ve been poor a lot of my life. And I am not talking poor as in “Oh nuts, gotta go to ramen for a week.” I mean poor as in “Whelp, time to live in the car again.” That poor. And to be honest, I will sell fucking kidneys on the black market before I am ever that poor again. I will steal copper wiring to ensure I am never that poor again. I don’t know how to describe poverty that extreme to someone who has never lived it. How do you describe how debasing it is to eat food from a trash can? Or to have to sneak into the University gym to take a shower? I will never be that poor again.
The Center can offer me security that is highly appealing. I want to be able to be comfortable in life. I have a very comfortable life right now. And I will NOT give it up, not because I am materialistic, but because I go to bed knowing that there is food in the refrigerator and a roof over my head. Sometimes, you gotta say Fuck you to the risks and be secure. Or do you? I don’t know, I just know I need to probably meditate/chant on it more and the answer will come to me. Or I need to win the lottery. Or both. Universe, I ask you for your blessings. Thank you.
-F.
I never know how I feel about blogs. Sometimes I think they could be useful. Other times, they can be detrimental. I’m all for social networking, and those do a good job of keeping tabs on my life, but this blog will be something different. This will be a catalogue of my discrepancies, misdeeds, hopes and the such. So here we go…
I’m in like with someone. I know, I know, the boy who never attached to anyone is looking to settle down. A shock. I look around me and I see almost all of my friends in relationships. I am tired of being that plus one, or that one that throws off a dinner party. (By the way, if you ever throw a small party, which would be less than 20, please remember to invite EVEN numbers. Conversely, if you are invited to a party of less than 20, RSVP and mean it. It is so undeniably gauche to be odd man out because of the host/ess, or to not show up when you say you will. But I digress.)
I’m almost thirty and I am tired of being single. Sure, I enjoy my alone time, but sometimes, it gets hard. I am at the point where I want to share my life with someone. I want someone to ask me how my day was. And vice versa. I am a big believer in knowing what you want of course, so here is my list of deal beakers (in no particular order):
Must believe in God/Spirit, the Universe some sort of higher power. (I have found atheists to be some of the most selfish people I have ever met.)
You must be funny. (I know that humor is so varied, but I want to make you laugh, and I want you to make me laugh. And as far as the variance of humor, well, I love a good fart joke, but I also love the humor of Noel Coward. So…my humor runs a wide gamut.)
Be wise and have a large intellectual capacity.
Be passionate. About something. About everything.
Be romantic.
Understand that sometimes I like to talk a lot.
Tell me when to shut the fuck up.
Know when to shut the fuck up.
Challenge me. I want someone who can tell me I am wrong and can walk their talk.
Care about humanity.
Be out.
Have a sense of style. (It could be strictly jeans and a t-shirt, but own it.)
Enjoy lying in bed and talking.
Enjoy silence.
Make me try new things.
Enjoy going out.
Enjoy staying in sometimes.
Know that I am both masculine and feminine, be the same.
Listen to me. I think that sometimes we forget how to listen to others sometimes and we never ask for it in a partner.
Enjoy drinking.
Don’t be an alcoholic.
Have fun dancing. Dance often. I’m not asking for Fred Astaire, but just have fun dancing.
Be willing to listen to educational/motivational/inspirational talks.
Teach me new things.
Have some sort of artistic merit.
I think that is all for now. My list is not of course finite; it is negotiable to an extent.
The guy that I like: What can I say about him? He is one of the nicest guys I have ever met. He meets a lot of my list. But he doesn’t respond to my text messages. I am beginning to lose hope. I know I can come on strong sometimes. I get it. I am loud. I take up a lot of energy. I can be overwhelming. But to be honest, I thought he liked that about me. I asked him out and came up with a date idea on the spot. I was speaking from the heart, and he seemed receptive. I saw him again, and he initiated the talk about making plans. Then nothing. I’m confused. Who knows what will happen? I am offering it up to the Universe: I am ready to be in a relationship, if it is with him, great, if not, let me know so that I am not always wondering.
If you’re reading this or hear about this, all I ask is that you let me know, one way or another. Should I stay or should I go? Tell me what you want, what you really, really want. Will I feel the earth move under my feet? Okay, that’s enough musical references.
September is always a bitch of a month for me. It holds a lot of emotional weight. Every year I say I will brace myself, but it always hits me like a ton of bricks. I think I know what the issue is. But it doesn’t make sense. There must be more to it. And if there is, I’m terrified. As good as my memory can be sometimes, I know there is a lot that I block out. As much as I share, I keep twice as much to myself, because, well because sometimes I don’t know how people would handle it. I don’t know how I handle half the things in my head. September always makes me tired. I’ve spent so much of my life running and protecting myself that it gets to be too much. And this brings me back to a relationship. I would love to be able to be intimate enough with someone that I can share all my secrets with them. Maybe I just need a shrink; which I’ve gone to, but haven’t found someone I like talking to. It usually ends with me sobbing and I am one ugly ass crier. It’s true. I look like the Elephant Man when I cry. I prefer to cry alone and in my bathroom. But maybe it’s time to go back to a shrink. Maybe this time.
That’s all for now. Thanks for reading. And if you’re reading this, text me back. You know you want to.
